I find myself alone at the end of a five day, self-imposed retreat and I’m feeling a need to share the revelations from my ruminations. My husband went to a 50-year high school reunion and I stayed behind to work the home stretch of my current book-in-progress. While he’s been away, I’ve noticed I’ve passed through various stages of “being,” as a person and as a writer. The writer in me is interested in both and I wanted to share some of my discoveries about writing and myself (something I rarely do).

I should preface by saying I’m happily married and have been for nearly 29 years. I don’t like it when hubby and I are separated for too long (more on this coming). I must also tell you that the book I’m working on has put me through the wringer and I have been my best and worst friend because of it. Knowing those two issues will help to understand my revelations.

I know how I am, so I prepared for be alone. That means I planned what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. I’m a past Girl Scout and a retired military member, not to mention an Aries, so planning and organizing is deeply ingrained in my nature. Be prepared! So I was.

One must have plenty of coffee, tea, sweetener, milk, cheese, and the biggie — chocolate! I did not want to have to go out and shop for the basic necessities. Then I prepared meals in advance too and this time (versus previous days I had alone) I planned not to cook. I ordered overly stuffed and delicious sandwiches from a favorite shop, one for Friday through today. Whatever else I needed I could toss together, ie., a scrambled egg, some toast, a salad. Add a bottle of wine (or two), Bloody Mary mix and good vodka (always available) and check and check. Such preparations require you know yourself well with realistic limits.

Domestic things next. Laundry done. Sheets changed and washed. Towels clean and refreshed. Areas that needed cleaning, cleaned. Me clean. Check and check.

Important writer items, printer ink and paper. Check and check. I am a slave to paper copies. I save to the cloud and flash drives and DVDs too but the paper copies are my friends. I’ve lost too many computers and broken too many flash drives not to be a copy fiend. So check and check.

When last Thursday rolled around and I was alone, the work began. And work I did. Tempted as I was to take advantage of a silent house and steal much wanted long hours of uninterrupted sleep, I didn’t. Instead I rose early (always before 7), ate (read: consumed two cups of coffee) and went to work (by 8:30). Some hours were better than others. All hours were productive. Break for an hour at lunch. Break at 4pm til either 7pm or later, depending. I had a book I was reading too.

I stopped long enough to have a tea party with some wonderful young girls on Thursday (before I really dove deep into my work) who allowed me to tap into my younger self through pure enjoyment of my friend’s children. It’s good to remember innocence and simply joy.

And I took another break on Saturday for a delightful phone call with a long distance friend whose friendship developed from first meeting online. She brightened my heart and shared laughter is fuel for the spirit and salve for the soul. 

I also paused to see the Warriors win the NBA title and Justify capture the Triple Crown. It is important to be there when history is being written. Those moments are never wasted, even if you can’t be there live. After all, you always need experienced fodder for the stories you write.

The rest of these five days (my last one is today as hubby is expected around 5pm), I’ve discovered how I have changed. When I was first alone it was a party. Eat, sleep, snack, shower all when I wanted. Slept like a baby that first night alone.

Second day/night. Productive. Feeling excited about my accomplishments. Slept well but woke anxious to get started the third day.

Third day feeling a little less motivated. Filled the bird feeder. Washed my recent dishes. Wanted to watch a movie and drink some tea. Instead, read a book for an hour, drank my mug of tea and went back to work after my phone call because my mood was significantly lighter. Didn’t sleep as well Saturday night. Mind was on the book and I missed my love.

Sunday brings the NASCAR race. I rose early, got the paper, drank my coffee and was at work by 9. The race came on at 2pm and I worked through their rain delay and still never really watched what little there was of it. I felt distracted despite not watching the TV. Decided later that night to watch a movie because I needed to put aside my work and give my brain a break. Besides my eyes were tired from the computer glare. Felt guilty not working. 

Slept badly last night. But today I’ve been energized again and hubby will be home tonight. I’m anxious to hear his stories about the reunion and the family he visited. I’m anxious to hold him and remember the feel of him and the sound of his voice. I missed him.

All in all, during this absence, I’ve realized that I am focused and motivated but I am influenced by my emotional attachments. I function my best when I connect with the people I care about and not operate completely in a vacuum. Yes, I need silence (or certain kinds of music) on my schedule. I don’t like noise that isn’t mine and I don’t like to be interrupted when I’m in the middle of my work. I alternate between ravenous and “who needs food?” And most of all I like how I am and what I do.

I also realized after spending so much time alone that I am a good friend to myself. I think part of that comes because I’m older and I know I need to be my best friend. But more than that, I don’t have a problem amusing myself. Sure I may get lonely but being alone isn’t a problem. The difference isn’t about other people, but in me. I guess I never thought that much about it before now.

So, I’m still hard at work in this the last full day of my self-made retreat. I’m going to be useless Tuesday as I plan to spend some quality time with hubby. Then Wednesday  I will be back in my office, door closed, mug of tea by my side and printer and laptop whirring as I write. After all, I need privacy while I kill off a darling and then I want to have dinner with hubby.

Find time to do some ruminating of your own. The self-revelations are necessary, even if you believe you have nothing new to learn about yourself, I think you might be wonderfully surprised. Oh and don’t feel guilty about taking a break or reading a book. Go on outside, drink some sunshine or moonlight and count yourself lucky.

Thanks again for stopping by.
I remain, Yours Between the Lines,

Sherry