The Positive of Negative Emotions

…and how to use them for yourself and your characters.

Life is a study of emotions. We often cruise through our days, months and years, barely aware of what’s going on outside of ourselves, perhaps only peripherally aware of our neighbors, too aware of what the news offers, and oblivious to what goes on outside of our scope of interest. I put to you that being more aware of the emotional landscape in your world benefits you personally as well as your character writing — specifically, the negative emotions no one like to feel or discuss.

Authors love to delve into character backgrounds, researching history, culture, even underwear when it suits them (or they have a need to bare it all. Ahem). We will give characters seedy backgrounds, give them physical wounds, and even childhood issues, but few use the darker or more negative emotional wounds/issues to character benefit (unless creating villains). I believe this hurts our characters and handicaps us both as people and as storytellers.

Let me give you a few examples of negative emotions and how each benefits you and your writing when viewed positively.

GUILT:  We all know the dark side of guilt. We do or say something and suddenly we feel bad that we’ve caused harm, or tears. We didn’t mean to break the vase and feel guilty because we know we shouldn’t have been skating in the house. Mom is mad and we are guilty (and punished). So where is the gem here? Guilt proves that we have a conscience. Guilt is the other side of apathy. If we didn’t care, there is no guilt and that’s the true negative. Feeling guilty shows there is a moral compass that can be used over and over for a characters growth. Guilt for past deeds is fodder for actions in the future. Guilt is a foundation for relationships meant to be positive. Guilt is more than a one-and-done happening.

SHAME:  We feel badly when we do something which hurts others when we could have prevented it. We feel badly when we see others mistreated or used by someone else. Shame comes because we have learned what is and isn’t acceptable in speech or behavior or belief. It proves – and here is the positive – that we have a moral compass. Someone you love tells a  lie about someone else and you are ashamed of them. Your moral compass is pinging. It proves that you have learned that certain kinds of pain are wrong. The gift is that in feeling shame, you know how to find relief and pride. Shame can build character. Take a police officer who built a career on  a past shame and is now incorruptible.

ANGER: Being mad is one of those emotions that can be both good and bad. You’ve heard of “justifiable homicide?” Murder when the person had it coming? But what about simpler anger. Anger that is so deep that it ruins relationships. Such anger can test our moral compass, re: homicide. Hot anger seems like the unforgiveable negative but au contraire! Let us not forget Shakespeare’s warning, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” In other words, let cooler heads prevail and when you have calmed down enact a revenge that the other never saw coming. So what’s the positive of anger? Anger demonstrats what your personal limits are and pushes you to test your moral compass. You reach the edge of your abyss and either you fall in or you step back. For a character to discover that edge gives them a wonderful control of self. And a useful tool against others who seek to manipulate, too. Use anger carefully.

FEAR: We all know about “fight or flight” syndrome and how fear will motivate or paralyze. The negative part of fear is becoming insecure. Fear can still thrust a soldier into battle or paralyze them into being shot. Fear is deadly. The upside to fear is how it creates change. Overcoming fear can break inhibitions or create new ones. Coming to grips with fear also teaches a person to trust personal instincts. And good instincts are a character’s gem. Use fear to make positive change and memorable, useful, experiences.

GRIEF: If you’ve lost a childhood friend, a family pet, a relative or cried over a character in a book or a movie, you’ve known grief. The level of attachment defines the depth. And that depth is the positive aspect we need for greater characters. Without grieving, we are shallow, septic, apathetic and even anti-social. Grief is the obvious truth of caring. Grieving is change, development, growth for relationships, a mantra for change. The mother who lost four children due to miscarriages gives up having any children and stops having sex because of a fear of more losses. The grief has changed her entire outlook of sex, relationships, her abilities and her function in life. And suddenly an abandoned child is thrust into her life and she needs bone marrow….and we have a match. Now the moral fiber opens and so does a heart. Grief can make positive changes when carefully managed.

These are only a few examples of how we need to use the positive side of negative emotions. Using this method to peel away the sour, provides special depth to characters and makes them unforgettable and more like real people. We need to find positives in the negatives for ourselves too, and if we don’t know how, then begin with characters. You’ll find your way by learning through them, just as your readers will.

Happy Writing!

Don’t forget to join me for my next Facebook Live chat on May 26, 11 a.m. on my author page.

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I remain, Yours Between the Lines,

Sherry

What Mother’s Day Offers Writers

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I lost my mom over a decade ago and the loss never truly goes away. I thought of her and deeply missed her. And, as I often do, I thought about writing and how my loss – and the emotions attached to that loss – could relate to my characters. Am I fully using my experiences? Do I include these emotions or tap into them for maximum impact in my writing?

The answer in this case is no, not really. In my poetry, I have written about and delved into loss, like this:

“Love isn’t only what we have while we’re alive.
It’s the strength we’re given to stay behind,
and say goodbye.”
-from “Last Lessons,” in Paper Bones by Sherry Rentschler (c) 2013 

But what have I done with my emotions that benefits my creative writing? I must respond by admitting that my fiction has not benefitted. Yet.

This then is the perfect time to examine what the loss of a mother (or any family member) brings to your writing repertoire and what you can do with your experience. It’s all about writing what you know, yes? This is the perfect holiday to take advantage.

In life, we have relationships with our mothers that go from blissfully solid to teenage terrible, from retrospective to lonely, to bordering on abuse or even murderous. Each person has within them a myriad of emotions that are useful, necessary, and invaluable to your writing. Do you use the “mother influence” to challenge or grow your character? Does the mother offer insight into the current state of being for your character? Does the holiday set your character up for laughter or sorrow? Are you a modern mother or a retro one?

Real examples can highlight the character emotions and moveyou from telling into showing. Baking together, learning to sew or cook, going to work with, sharing a business, teaching moments, playtime, each and every single experience adds depth to characters. Don’t forget simple things like making a lunch, giving a handmade gift, or simply sitting in the grass and watching the ants go by.

In the death of a mother, we can find regrets for things unsaid or undone, or worse, for things we did say or do. Death sadly provides an opportunity to discover unexplainable lost treasures in the home or in the mail. We discover secrets of personalities that never manifested when the mother was living. We know emptiness, frustration, fear, separation, as well as relief and joy. Our every sense is engaged. The lingering smell of perfume or stale flowers. The soft favorite sweater left on a chair. The many pictures lining the buffet or the dresser. Favorite movies highlighted in the TV guide. Homemade jam in the refrigerator.

Again, take the time to show character through activities related to the mother. Going through a jewelry box after a funeral, opening leftover mail, finding an old journal, speaking to siblings or other secondary family members, even neighbors offers insight. Use reality to spark life to the moment.

The how and why of each and all these various feelings are important to your writing. You can examine what you feel by giving your characters outlets to express them for you. You’ve heard the expression to “discover what scares you and write that.” Familial holidays set up this scenario perfectly.

In my case, I’ve realized that I have not used the mother influence to its best advantage. I am now writing fiction where my character became a mother and is facing a vault of new emotions. Though I am not a mother myself, I have a role model in my mom that gives me all the fodder I need. And I have the loss of my parent(s) to fill in the emotions I must experience for true-to-life drama. 

Yes, loss requires I go deep and refresh old, painful memories and feelings. Yes, it is going to hurt to go there. And I believe that doing so will give my writing a truth the readers will relate and respond to because I dared to write it. My daring will allow my readers to feel enabled to go with me and perhaps tap into their private emotions too.

On a lighter note, I hope you and your families all enjoyed a Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you had another chance to express your love, give a hug, share a token of affection. Take none of those free moments for granted lest they be gone forever and you lose your chance.

But if you spent the day in memory and reflection, if you wandered into a cemetery or visited a grave (even in your mind), I hope the emotions were touchable and brought you happy tears.

Please use what you have to give life and breath to your characters. Be bold, be honest, be real. Your characters have/had mothers too. Do not let an opportunity to understand them pass us by.

RESULTS OF THE FREE EDITING OFFER:

Last month during my Fireside with the Phoenix live chat, I offered viewers of the chat, receivers of my newsletter, and members of my street team, a chance to have free editing for any writing project. I was excited to be able to make this offer and I hoped to read some very wonderful pieces and forward something exciting to an editor/friend, maybe even discover a fresh, new writer.

Unfortunately not a single person participated in this free offer. Initially I was sad and dejected and then I had to shake my head. Never, ever in my years as a writer have I ever been offered a chance at FREE editing. Had I received the chance, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would have JUMPED on such an opportunity. 

I understand you may not have thought my offer worthy or even a good deal. I assure you that it was. My hope is that you may find another chance at a like gift in the future. Sadly, I will not be offering this giveaway again.

Finally, look for my next Facebook Live Chat on May 26. And the monthly newsletter will be headed out a few days after. Have you signed up yet? There’s a link on the right….

Thanks for stopping by!
I remain, Yours Between the Lines,

Sherry

The XXIII Winter Olympiad LIVE

16 days.  Sixteen days of competition with drama confined (mostly) to snow and ice. Where being frozen out wasn’t a political snub, where losing wasn’t shamed and lamented because a silver or bronze medal was still a monumental win. Where achievement thrived in finishing last as much as in besting the field.

16 days of glory. Of “I’ll get it next year.” Of saying and waving goodbye to aged and wounded favorites and hello to fresh, nubile Cinderella-esque players with unlimited potential for the future.

16 days. Triumph, loss, success, failure, regret, and surprise, all jumbled together with teamwork, determination, patriotism, and purpose.

16 days where, if only for a little while, and if only in theory, being united in purpose was true for a select group of hopeful adults, sharing a common purpose despite the sport.

For these sixteen days, I stopped writing and reading, I stopped watching regular TV, I didn’t go out to eat or to the movies. Instead, for 16 incredible days, I immersed myself in the LIVE events of the Olympic winter games. Wholehearted and enthusiastic.

I’m exhausted. And I feel ridiculous writing those words now. For 16 days I watched almost every live event, forgiving myself for neglecting my “normal” life in order to have the vicarious experiences of thrills and spills from athletes around the world. For a time, I felt every loss, cheered every win, be it my team or another. And *I’m* exhausted? That’s funny compared to the physical expenditure I’ve witnessed over 16 days. But then, my focus is skewed.

After all, I am a writer. And for the first time in my 63 years I had the opportunity to witness live moments as I never could before these games. With husband retired, we could sleep as needed, steal naps when necessary, all to achieve the joyful nirvana that comes with being in the moment. Why? Because tape delays are after-the-fact. Delays give you artificial experiences. There is nothing like feeling your stomach clinch because you want someone to win, you hope they don’t fall, you want them to break a record and you have no idea what the outcome will be. Nothing like gasping when a snowboarder tumbles and praying all is well. Nothing like seeing a skater do six – SIX – quadruple jumps. Live. Real. In the moment. Next to being there, this was being there. I was a part of it all. LIVE.

To experience the joys and sorrows as they played out. To FEEL and KNOW as the athletes did.

 (Courtesy Tampa Bay Times)

No, I won’t understand it all but I listened to stories for 16 days. I watched struggles play out in the slopes, on the ice, in the bobsled, on skates and in the faces of families. I worried and hoped along with mothers and sisters, and I cheered and jumped up and down (literaly) when goofy good air times happened in the half pipe. I leaned to the left during the bobsledding. I sat up straight during ice skating jumps. I held my breath during ski jumping and screamed when the girls’ hockey team won gold just as I did when the men won their first curling gold medal. I also clapped for the second place teams who shed tears for their loss. I understood because I saw it as it happened.

(Courtesy of ABC News)

I cheered for bobsled teams who were never going to win against the giants. Yet I applauded because they came, they TRIED, and everyone cheered them for trying. I did too. I held my breath during accidents and followed athletes I didn’t know and might never see again. I was with them. I was on their team. I was a cheerleader and a believer. I hurt for losses and I danced for gold and I cried when my flag raised high and the National Anthem played. I sang along, too.

16 days. In the end, as the lights are go out and the programming end, I experienced something magical that only happens every four years. And I forgave myself for ignoring my normal life in order to know more about incredible people achieving incredible feats.

Courtesy of the NY DAILY NEWS

Including the Mexican skier (above) who finished last in the cross country race. He didn’t win. He didn’t help his country. We don’t usually remember last place, right? But wait, that’s not true. I watched the first place gold medal winner come to the finish line (on the left) to greet the last man. You see, the Mexican athlete did win. He finished the race. His achievement was completing a grueling race and he never quit. He earned respect and he was carried like a winner because HE WAS ONE, most especially to the gold medalist.

And for 16 days that was the point of the whole thing. Personal best. Personal achievement. 

Finishing what you start. No medals required. After 16 days I understood the point of it all.

As a writer, these 16 days were a present in emotions and experience. The faces and events filled me as nothing else possibly could. Next to being there in person, watching live was fulfilling and enriching. The athletes’ stories are the future of my own tales and I experienced a plethora of emotions live that you just can’t get from the news or the day after on Facebook.

Nearly 3000 athletes, 92 nations, 23 medals. An Olympic motto Citius, Altius, Fortius, in other words, Faster, Higher, Stronger. To be more, to go beyond, to breach limits. From Greece to Korea and all nations in between, we gathered united in one purpose under five rings:

to be our personal best.

16 days. I wouldn’t have missed a moment for anything. I am better because of those incredible days both as a writer and as a person.

Finally the night exploded with fireworks, alighting a stadium filled with Olympians. The light put sparks in the eye and ignited fresh fires in the hearts. The future beckoned and athletes promised to return.

So do I.

Yours Between the Lines,
Sherry