Sickness, Guilt and Doubt

Personal Commentary: Sickness, Guilt, and Doubt

 

I was very ill for several days this past week. Not to go into too much gory detail but last Monday night I had some abdominal craps and wrote it off as gas. (Anyone over 40 knows what I mean). And I followed that up with major abdominal pains (lower and middle) on Tuesday, with nausea (I did throw up twice) and on Wednesday that developed (digressed?) into mild diarrhea. At no time did I run a fever but I had plenty of chills. By Thursday, I had some slight aches in my stomach but finally managed to keep some food down starting with a few plain pieces of bread, unsweetened applesauce and coffee that was half milk. Believe me, the coffee tasted FABULOUS because I hadn’t had any since Monday morning. Then on Friday all I wanted to do was hydrate and sleep. Saturday I felt like my old self again.

From Tuesday through Friday I didn’t write. I didn’t cook. I didn’t do dishes or laundry or shower (too weak and got nauseated just standing). I slept a lot, I hurt mostly. And I developed a new thing — guilt.

I am behind on my edits for the book and being sick was the last thing on my “To Do” list. I felt behind enough already and the guilt of not writing, not editing, and not making progress was about to do me in. To make matters worse, I have a husband who doesn’t know how to handle sickness (runs from me when I am sick), and so I had no one to commiserate with (though I could see in his eyes how much he was distressed for me) and thus feel better.

So all in all everything sucked. Yeah, I wallowed and fretted. And then I realized that if I couldn’t sit long enough to concentrate and do work, then I could plan. Make lists, write outlines, and get myself organized for when I could work.

Most of all the guilt was killer. Do we give ourselves permission to not write? To not work around the house? To not cook or clean? No. We don’t. If you live in a home where others do this for you, then brava/o. Hubs is able to take care of himself and I was fortunate that these days I was sick he  participated in planned golfing tournaments. He was gone and he ate elsewhere. Good for me. When he returned home, I tried to pay attention to him as much as I could (besides I missed his company), between pain and wanting to sleep. More guilt for neglecting him. He didn’t see it that way but my old fashioned guilt-meter pinged.

I feel better now, and I learned a few lessons over the week. No matter who we are, we set expectations for ourselves and few limitations. Writers are especially good at procrastination but that’s by choice. When that choice is taken away, we aren’t happy with being unable to work. That creates guilt when we aren’t performing to personal plans and oh that’s not good.

I felt the days slipping away and time escaping on my project. I desperately wanted to get back to doing what I love and hated that I couldn’t focus or think long enough between being sick and sleeping. I hated being sick. I’m almost never sick. And so the guilt burned extra deep.

For the odd cold that comes my way (mostly because hubby brings it home) I can shake it off in no time. This is the first time in decades that I’ve been really ill. And I missed not having a hand or a hug to get me through it (I really missed my mother saying something to make the little girl in me feel better. Truth). I was lonely, sick, guilty, and frustrated and you know what I did? I made notes about all those feelings. I will use them. I will write them.

I won’t forget those feelings.

One thing I don’t do well is advertise my sickness. I see people on Facebook all the time with their ailments and bruises and hospital stays and I feel badly for them. I’ve even cried for them. But I have trouble sharing that kind of personal stuff (despite this post). As a result, it makes it difficult to solicit sympathy when I really need it. More guilt when I do. I feel weak and I know I’m not. And then I wonder why no one cares. I am a mess sometimes.

But hey, we all need some human connection right?

I overcame my sickness and I battled my guilt at the same time. I had to learn to stop punishing myself with what I couldn’t do and concentrate on what I could do. It was paltry but I did something. That assuaged some of the guilt and thus the lesson was learned.

Women with families are the most susceptible to this kind of guilt. We can’t take time to be sick, especially moms. I have unending respect for mothers who do all things for their family. They sacrifice. Sickness? Pshaw. Who has time for that? I guess that’s why I don’t have children. 

But I know you out there. I know you feel the guilt from the loss of time, of work, of sharing, of being together. I know you because for a few terrible days, I was you. And I know the self-imposed guilt. 

We have to stop doing that to ourselves! Just let it go. (I’m a work in progress).

Long ago my mother said to me, “Ask yourself this: in 20 years will anyone remember what you did or didn’t do? If the answer is no, then it’s not worth your worrying about now. If it isn’t life-changing or bankrupting, let it go. Life is short enough without agonizing over what you lost. Treasure what you have, Sherry, and count your blessings and not your regrets.”

Got me through the week. I’m writing again as you can see. Sans guilt. It’ll come back again one day, I’m sure. But for now, I’m working and healing and learning to be free of me.

This may take some practice. 

Yours Between the Lines,

Sherry